Bullet Proof... I Wish I Was.

Last night I went to bed depressed and emotionally/physically drained. I don't know why I was so depressed, I had a pretty damn good day. I feel like a dick for being so grumpy around the few people who actually make me happy. So, to those people, even those not reading this blog, I'm sorry. When I went dorm (not when I went home-- when I went dorm) I passed out and had a dream where the faces of all the people who meant something to me appeared in fractals that grew and shrank with a sense of awareness of the dream. It was sort of a lucid dream, where if I focused on the dream it sort of faded away, but when I let it do its thing it was vivid and clear.

I'm still on my Radiohead kick. I've been listening to them almost exclusively for almost a month now.  I've only briefly listened to some Pink Floyd or Albert Hammond Jr. when I felt like it. I usually don't pay much attention to the lyrics in music, but the lyrical stylings of Thom Yorke are really speaking to me for whatever reason (not like in a schizophrenic way; no need for a psychological intervention, at least not yet). It's weird, I'll get a tune stuck in my head and when I get dorm I look at the lyrics and they're completely relevant to the happenings of the day.

There are difficult things going on in my life that I can't talk about on this blog. Perhaps I should start a real journal. 

I need a vacation.

I think perhaps my life plans are a little more specific than I gave them credit.

Saturday I move into my apartment. I'm scared.

Good morning.

This song has been stuck in my head for a while.

Cough Syrup.

I'm unsure about something, but I'm not sure what.

The end of this semester has really caught me off guard. I keep thinking that I have plenty of time for things. I thought I had enough time to raise my grades, but I never really got around to it. I thought I had plenty of time to hang out with people, to build relationships, but I haven't spent as much time doing that as I'd like. I thought I had plenty of time, and I guess I did, what did I do with all of it? I remember what I wasted my time on last semester: a string of failed attempts at relationships. But it seems like I still got a lot more done. I made a load of friends whose company I have frequently enjoyed this semester (so I guess I did spend a fair amount of time building relationships this semester, but that's something I should be able to do on top of everything else), I read a lot of books, I did well in all of my classes. What have I got to show for my time this semester, and where is my excuse? I feel like I've really failed myself, and I am disappointed. In a couple of weeks I will be exactly half way through my undergraduate college career, assuming I don't end up going into an extra semester or two. It's scary, I remember the first week of freshman year and how much fucking fun it was. I remember all the friends I made that first semester, and I haven't spent more than a few hours with a single one of them this year. I have a nasty habit of shedding all of my friends and making new ones every once in a while. It's a habit I picked up as a kid, as I switched schools every few years. But then I got into high school and I kept doing it every year, sometimes multiple times in a year. This is not something I'm going to let myself continue to do. If you are reading this, I'm sorry, you're stuck with me. I'm going to make an effort to be a better friend. What do we have in this world beside our friends? Family? I don't have siblings. I don't like thinking about it, but my parents were pretty old when I was born. In twenty years they're going to start going downhill like their parents did. I hate my extended family. They all suck except for a few choice cousins and an aunt and uncle or two, but even then I hardly ever talk to them. In fact, my "uncles" and "aunts" that I value most dearly aren't actually related to me. They're really good friends of my parents. So, family is great if you have a big one full of people you actually like, but I am not lucky enough to have one of those.

More after the jump.

Ivy Mike.

In 1914, James Joyce references early 18th century Friar Pacificus Baker's "The Devout Communicant" in his short story "Araby." Just 5 years later, Franz Kafka publishes a story called "Ein Landzart" (English: "A Country Doctor"). On November 1st 1952, the United States detonates its first nuclear fusion bomb codenamed "Ivy Mike" which vaporizes the island of Elugelab in the Enewetak Atoll in the Republic of the Marshall Islands. In 1998, the Mars Climate Orbiter disappears in flight. NASA claims that the probe disintegrated in the Martian atmosphere due to a "navigation error." On April 14th, 2010, a volcano near the Eyjafjallajökull glacier in Iceland erupts, spreading a cloud of volcanic ash over most of Northern Europe, including James Joyce's birthplace of Dublin, Ireland.

The evidence is irrefutable: Pacificus is a badass name. 

How to disappear completely.

What is the last wish of a dying man?

My life (our lives) is (are) full of desire. Even those few hopeful philosophers who spend their days meditating and attempting to rid themselves of all earthly desires, still desire to rid themselves of desire. Nobody really knows what goes through the head of a person on their death bed. They may see a light at the end of a tunnel, but what do they think about it? How does it make them feel? What does it remind them of? Science tells us it's our failing visual cortex. Religion tells us it's heaven. What do you think it is? It doesn't matter what you think it is, you're not dying.

What final thought does our entire life culminate in? Do each of us have our own unique thought? So few of us even have unique thoughts when we're alive, I doubt that can be it. Maybe everyone thinks the same thing just before they die. One final desire to trump all previous desires. More powerful than the desire to eat, to sleep, to fuck. A desire that perhaps we are all familiar with long before we die. A desire that perhaps any child expresses perfectly by crying out, "I want go to home!"

I am home.

I want to go home.